Saturday, August 17, 2013

Why is Pregnancy So Weird??

Dude, being pregnant is pretty psycho…I mean think about it…you are literally turning food into a baby…with your blood. Yeah…so here are my top 10 weirdest things about being pregnant.

1. Hormones: both of my pregnancies began the same way—one second I’m bawling and the next I’m laughing. When I was pregnant with my son, I was putting on my makeup and crying/giggling because my husband was teasing me for sitting on the counter…He was shocked by my emotions and suggested the “P” word…sure enough, 8 months later my son was born. This go around I just flat-out didn’t LIKE my husband for a week straight. He didn’t do anything wrong, except breathe loudly, or wear a gray shirt instead of a white one, or leave his shoes by the door…all of which made me not like the man. Thankfully, I am much more mellow this time than with my son…I only cried 6 times while watching Mulan…no biggie.

2. Cravings: Holy-intense-need-of-food-NOW! Last pregnancy I wanted pizza and I dropped it on the ground and cried like toddler…I also ate more hot wings than I’d like to admit. This go around I can’t stop drinking Orange Juice…I literally can drink 2 quarts in a day. I LOVE IT! Cravings are so fun if you can satisfy them. If not, then be prepared to cry and cry until you do.

3. Chubby Blob: Oh the joys of gaining weight…no, not 5 lbs…try like 30+. Last time, I gained exactly 29 lbs and I tried VERY hard to keep it under 30. This time…oh goodness…I’m scared…I have avoided the scale…I’m assuming I’m already up 10 lbs and I still have 26 weeks left….oh boy. The best part about the weight gain is the fact that I just look like I ate too many burritos smothered in cookie dough. Swell.

4. Sickness: Shoot me in the foot…gross…terrible…awful…why God, why?! I didn’t get sick with my first pregnancy; but I didn’t get so lucky this time. I was literally miserable for about 10 straight weeks, and here’s what NO ONE WILL TELL YOU! Morning sickness? Yeah…doesn’t always mean throwing up…I was ‘gotta-find-a-bathroom-now’ sick. Joyful. AH, but here’s the kicker! Even with being that sick…I still gained 10 lbs.

5. Sex Drive: Ok, now this is FUN! Some women want nothing to do with sex when they’re preggers, and some do. Let’s just say my hubby has been a happy man these past few months (wink, wink). Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

6. Sympathy Symptoms: So, my charming husband is not so keen on this pregnancy factor, but I am! He totally suffers from the sympathy changes…he gains weight right along with me. Oh, thank heavens for that! And, he gets random cravings too.

7. Bathroom Breaks: I am not a fan of this symptom. I friggin’ pee more than you care to know. It is so annoying…especially if the baby decides to do aerobics…But here’s the problem…when I’m at work, I can’t just step away for a sec…I have to wait until I have processed a case and resealed it all up. It’s not like I can just leave evidence out and lying around. Oh, it’s joyful…let me tell you.

8. Movement: This will always be the best/worst part of pregnancy. It is THE COOLEST thing to feel your baby moving and wiggling inside of you. I mean, I literally made this baby INSIDE my body and get to experience it. It’s wonderful! But, it also sucks…there is a fine line between a baby being cute and a baby turning into Jean Claude Van Dam…I remember my son got his fancy-butt stuck UNDER my rib cage…There was nothing I could do to get him to move. I just had to wait until he decided to wiggle his tooshie out of there.

9. Boobs: YES! Thank heavens for these boobs! Everyone knows that miss Annie Cook was not blessed with a wonderful chest...we’re talking tiny! But, when I get pregnant…and especially during nursing…I turn into Pamela Anderson!

10. Delivery: There is nothing more weird about pregnancy than the end…I mean…come on. The female body was created for the purpose of having children; regardless of what our culture’s idea is. My boobs don’t get huge for my husband’s enjoyment-they do it to feed a child. My coochie-coo is definitely made to have babies…hate to break it to ya, but if you haven’t birthed a child yet, you have NO IDEA what I mean.

Pregnancy is a life-changing event that forever changes your body. Sometimes in drastic ways, and sometimes is subtle ways. But even after complaining about it, I am very grateful that I was blessed to be a woman who gets to experience pregnancy. 

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